Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Men in Loincloths Cannot Be Trusted...Wait, No, They Can. They Totally Can.

Kellan Lutz in Immortals
The Top Movies/TV Shows with Men Wearing Loincloths

There are rumors that Alexander Skarsgård is going to play the lead in a new Tarzan movie and rumors about a live action Masters of the Universe movie (again!) That got me thinking about movies/TV starring men in loincloths. And of course, I needed to make a top list of those. Believe it or not, I’m going to judge on movie quality, not beefcake-ness. (Maybe. I mean those two things are inextricably linked.)

Here we go!

Gerard Butler in 300
1. 300
Ye gods, I love this movie. I affectionately refer to it as Abs of Glory. Gerard Butler is freaking hot in his abs and his eyeliner. It’s easily my favorite movie with loincloths, AND I actually liked the story and the fighting and the cinematography. I’ve been waiting patiently for a sequel or prequel or whatever.

The Original He-Man
2. He-Man & the Masters of the Universe
I LOVE the animated He-Man. The original is best, but the later animated ones aren’t too bad either. But oh!, that live action movie starring Dolph Lundgren was completely horrific. I didn’t even like it as a kid. For one thing, they spent most of their time in our world and zero time on Eternia- who wanted that?? And no offense to the actress, but WTF were they thinking with Teela? Ridic. At least Evil-Lyn looked bad-ass. And don’t get me started on Gwildor and his onbnoxious synthesizer gadget-ugh. He-man would have been at the top of the list if I had someone legit to drool over.

Brendan Fraser in Encino Man
3. Encino Man
Ok, so Brendan Fraser doesn’t wear a loincloth for very long before he starts wearing contemporary 90s clothes, but it counts and I love this movie. It still makes me laugh, bud-dee. Also, Brendan Fraser had to be on here somehow because I was NOT about to list his George of the Jungle.

Marc Singer in Beastmaster
4. Beastmaster
I liked this movie as a kid, and I still do. It always kills me when one of the ferrets dies (I don't consider this a spoiler, rather it's emotional prep for those who have yet to see it), but otherwise it’s fun and strange and who doesn’t want to be able to talk to animals and travel with a large cat (He-man complex?)?

Christopher Atkins in The Blue Lagoon
5. The Blue Lagoon
I could easily have added Christopher Atkins’ other movie, The Pirate Movie, because he wears a loincloth when he’s helping Mable steal the map to buried treasure and later diving for it, and I adore that movie, but you know, I felt like The Blue Lagoon really reigned supreme in loinclothedness.(And honestly, aside from the necklace in Lagoon, and a thicker loincloth in Pirate, he looks almost exactly the same in each movie.) I gotta wonder how many wardrobe malfunctions there were on set. Oh yeah, Lagoon's an enjoyable movie too.

Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan
6. Conan
The ultimate in muscle-bound barbarian loincloth. I never considered Arnie or his ginormous muscles attractive, but he does wear the loincloth well. And he does a good job of being balanced and avoiding under-developed chicken legs unlike a lot of guys who lift. Of course, his loincloth is quality- fitted and practically made for the athletic sort. Arnie’s movies are perfectly good B-movie fun. I have yet to see Jason Momoa’s but I like the look of him as Conan.

Honorable mentions:
Brotherhood of the Wolf
Clash of the Titans
Mark Dacascos in Brotherhood of the Wolf
Harry Hamlin in Clash of the Titans

For further research.
I’ve never seen the shows listed below but have it on good authority there are loincloths.
Kirk Douglas in Spartacus
Johnny Weismueller in Tarzan
~Spartacus (the movie or the series)
~John Carter
~The Immortals (Kellan Lutz looks awesome!)
~Any Tarzan movie. Man, I wish Travis Fimmel had actually worn a loincloth in the TV series Tarzan so I could have included him, but he mostly was shirtless, barefoot, and wearing jeans. Aside from that he used to be a Calvin Klein underwear model. Again neither of those count, but I really wanted to mention him.
Taylor Kitsch in John Carter

And I leave you with one precious photo of things to come. Enjoy!

David Arquette in Orion
For more examples of loincloth wearing in film, TV, and comics, check out the KLS The Loincloth Site.


rissa watkins said...

What? No Kevin Sorbo? what the heck? The man could wear a loincloth.

Denise Ganley said...

I looked for Kevin Sorbo in a loincloth, sorta. Hercules? No. He wore leather pants and a vest thing. Kull the Conqueror? All the pics I saw of him, since I didn't see the movie, had him shirtless but in pants. I did find that he wore one in this movie I had never heard of, Meet the Spartans. I guess there's that. You can google it. haha.